More than a decade ago, after a car accident, I sustained a wound on my foot. The nurse labored to show me how to clean it properly at home, to ward off infections.

However, I was ticked off by the horrendous pain involved and decided to go easy on myself. I would gingerly swab around the area with a dash of antiseptic and call it a day.

Your guess is as good as mine – the wound became severely infected. When the nurse checked on me a few days later, she was horror-struck.

She had to scrape off layers of skin and drain the pus before scouring the wound clean. Needless to say, the pain I was trying to dodge was multiplied astronomically.

The wound also took longer to heal than it would have had I cleaned it well from the get-go. This is what resentment does to a marriage.

When unresolved issues are left alone and swept under the rug, they don’t magically dissipate. They breed resentment and cause the marriage to fester. What’s more? It takes extra effort and time to resolve them and make amends.

What Is Resentment in Marriage?

Resentment is the culmination of negative feelings toward your spouse, mainly caused by unresolved conflict and unmet expectations.

This triggers bitterness, anger, disillusionment, and sometimes hostility. As resentment builds up, the aggrieved spouse may become less affectionate, irritable, hopeless, aggressive, withdrawn, and snobbish.

They may also start avoiding their partner, dodging intimacy, and even comparing their spouse to others.

At worst, resentment may raze the marriage to the ground. The Bible warns us against harboring unforgiveness and bitterness.

“Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God, lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.” (Hebrews 12:15).

When couples allow issues to fester in their marriages, failing to communicate, extend grace and empathy to each other, resentment takes root and injures the marriage.

Resentment should, therefore, not be downplayed; it’s a ticking time bomb. Paul warned the Galatian church that a little leaven leavens the whole lump (Galatians 5:9).

Seeing that resentment is detrimental to a marriage, how can couples handle it?

1. Prioritize Communication

Prompt and effective communication is a critical pillar in marriage. It shows respect and honesty, builds intimacy, and fosters trust.

Poor or delayed communication is the chief root of resentment. There are various reasons why couples gloss over communication.

• Assuming that their spouse can read their mind
• Not setting apart one-on-one time to check in on each other and connect
• Wanting to dodge quarrels
• Downplaying the issues at hand
• Strong feelings of anger/disappointment over the issues involved

It is prudent to share with your spouse any issue vexing you instead of wishing it away or hoping they can figure it out.

Besides, as you communicate, you may discover that you had misunderstood your spouse in the first place.

2. Extend Forgiveness

“Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering. Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.” (Colossians 3: 12-13)

Here’s a fact – no marriage can stand the test of time without forgiveness. Marriage is a union of two people raised in different settings, bearing differing mindsets and temperaments.

As such, spouses are bound to bump heads every so often. Forgiveness, therefore, needs to be an integral component of any marriage. From the scriptures, forgiving others is not a suggestion or request.

It is, in fact, a command. Jesus warned that if we do not forgive men their sins, neither will the Father forgive us (Mathew 6:14).

Granted, sometimes it can be rock hard to forgive your spouse if the offence is very grave. At such times, it’s okay to seek professional or spiritual help and be patient with yourself. However, remember that forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision you make.

3. Ditch the Untasty Habit Triggering Resentment

When your spouse points out the issues that rile them up, triggering resentment, don’t belittle their concerns. Probe and gain clarity on the dicey issues.

Evaluate yourself and seek to change for the better. Do everything in your power to toss any ill habit out the window and make amends with your spouse.

4. Ruminate on Your Spouse’s Positive Attributes

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.” (Philippians 4:8).

Even after discussing the issue at hand and choosing forgiveness, you may still find it hard to wiggle out of the resentment rut. Some wounds take a long time to heal.

One way of accelerating your healing is by reflecting upon what you love about your spouse. Are they patient and loyal? Honest and selfless? Would they leap over towering walls just to enthuse you?

Take pen and paper and jot down the rosy attributes that make you consider yourself blessed to be married to them.

Ruminating over your spouse’s positive attributes will open your eyes to how valuable they are despite their flaws.

5. Seek Professional Help

“Where there is no counsel, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors, there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14).

You may be bent on making amends with your spouse but still find yourself tangled in the throes of resentment.

Perhaps you may be dealing with heartrending matters like abuse, an affair, broken trust, financial dishonesty, or addictions.

A good marriage therapist will come in handy and help you circumvent the situation. They will offer a safe and unbiased environment for you and your spouse to open up about the issues plaguing your marriage.

They will also help you carve out healthy habits of relating to each other as you seek to rebuild trust.

In Conclusion

Stamp out resentment in your marriage by prioritising communication, extending forgiveness, and ditching any unsavory habits that drive your spouse up the wall. When unable to wigggle out of resentment, consider seeking professional help.